"[the] real cliche, the sense of guilt. You grow up believing that you're wrong and bad. And for me, because I took what I was told really seriously, it bred a very intense habit of introspection and self-examination and a terrible severity with myself. So that nothing was ever good enough. It's like installing a policeman, and one moreover who keeps changing the law." -Hilary Mantel.

You'll never know how strongly you can relate to other people. And this time, it's me and my favorite writer.


"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned"

                                                            -Alexander Pope


the purest form of kindness

i was rushing out of a building, when suddenly two kids, one boy and one girl, about my littlest sister's age, approached me. turned out they were selling newspapers and magazines.
their cheerfulness, typical cheerfulness children commonly have, has left them somewhere. from what i saw that night, they were just sad, skinny little kids looking forward to going home.

it was uncomfortable seeing kids hanging around at night, yet no one could do anything about it. i glanced at the magazine they were selling, nothing caught my fancy. so i gave them some money, not much, just what i had in my pocket.
they gave me the look as if I have just given them gold, thanked me politely, and i continued to walk, couldn't help smiling, feeling good about myself that I made them happy. I looked back to see them. I could not believe what I see.

A few feet away from our encounter, there was an old lady, a homeless, sitting on the sidewalk. She looked pretty tired. Those kids paused, looked at each other as if they had the same thought.
Then the boy pulled out the very money I gave them from his pocket and gave a half to the old lady. Her expression made it clear that they didn't know each other.

I might be much older, much wealthier, much much more educated than them.
But that night, without even realizing, they taught me a lesson I would never forget.

I continued walking, feeling so small. I had exchanged my penny with a priceless lesson.


the apple incident

When I was just started reading, my father, who is obsessed to practical science, handed me a biography of Isaac Newton. I remember reading that biography over and over again. But it was not when Isaac built the reflecting telescope, or when he observed the spectrum of colors,  that fascinated me. It was the apple incident. 
Upon seeing an apple fall from tree, Isaac Newton began to think about gravitation system. 
It was an apple, that changed him. Distracted him from life, for a moment there, led him to a place where he should be.
Had Isaac not seen the apple, it might have taken hundreds of years to formulate gravitation system. 

I believe that life consists of perpetual chain reactions. One event leads to another; the domino effects. Well, everybody may have his own point of view about this mysterious life, but what do we actually know? 

It is our nescience, our lack of understanding about this phenomenon, that Mitch Albom exploits in his book, The Five People You Meet In Heaven. It's basically a story about Eddie, a protagonist main character, who is killed on his 83rd birthday. When he awakes in another life, in the nothingness, he is taken on a journey to meet five people who explain to him about the meaning of life and how their life intertwined with his in many ways he never expected.

The first people Eddie met was a stranger, a blue-skinned freak show worker named Joseph. He died when Eddie ran across the street as a child: caused to wreck his lent car. From this, Eddie learns his first lesson which is that there are no random events in life and all individuals and experiences are connected in some way.
Had little Eddie run the other way, Joseph might have lived a little longer.

In a rainy night, someone dropped a huge pin in a backseat of a cab. The unlucky next person, a guy in his late 30s, took the cab and accidentally sat on the pin. He cursed. Why the heck would someone so careless wear a pin this huge? He asked the driver to take him to the nearest hospital. 
He has been waiting for ten minutes, felt like forever, when someone tapped him on the shoulder. Turned out it was a woman, also in her late 30s, who used to be his high school sweetheart. They talked, and talked, and talked. 
Two years later, they got married. 
Had he not injured, maybe he wouldn't have met love of her life.

This apple incident, is what Mitch Albom use to connect Eddie's stories; that was told by five different people, one by one. The apple itself acts like a needle knitting tangled wool into a shawl of life, that belongs to Eddie. To Isaac Newton. To the pin guy. To us.

We can only say that everything happens for a reason. When will we know the reason behind all these chains of events? Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe at the ending.

P.S. Thankyou Ayla for lending me this book.


                                    2 things people are obsessed with



                                                         and death


the fellowship of the ring

It's been sharp 2 years since my last post! Amazing. I dont even know how to start again.

I still have some of my unposted witings on my draft. Reading them gots me thinking of smashing this laptops with a hammer
And maybe 29 year old me will do the same thing when she read the posts I'm writing right now.

It's a chain.


Am I Wry? Hell no.

Last night I went to Soundburst. The bands, the excitements, the beach, the muds inside my shoes, the fireworks.. it was real fun. I've never felt really good about this place, until Jonas Bjerre came up on stage, wearing his symbolic suit. He got me drowning to a whimsical and theatrical sea of sounds. He sang beautifully. His voice was one of a kind. Gentle, high and.. magical. It went really perfect with eerie 'cling' sounds and creepy artsy videos on the backdrops of the stage. Watching them perform was like being in a gently dreamy foggy good nightmare. For a moment they pulled our minds away in a slow motion.. to a new world of whimsical creatures and poured imagination, it was insanely beautiful. A performance I've expected from a band like Mew.

I promise I will see them again.